I've been wanting to post this for some time in hope that it can help even just one person. I've been skeptical on whether or not to post as I don't want family to read this and get upset. To them, I am sorry, none of this was your doing, I love you. Trigger warning ahead.
You keep asking yourself will it get better someday? It will trust me. I know you’ll find that hard to believe, but I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Lost.
You have friends and yet you are questioning if they truly are your friends, wondering whether if you even want them as friends and if they want you. They do, but if they don’t, there are hundreds of thousands of people you have the possibility to one day interact with. More friends are out there for you to find.
You have no idea what you want to be, struggling to make the decision on what you want to study, where you want to work. But you’ll figure it out, hey, the job you want may not even exist yet. The one I want didn’t exist when I was your age.
You worry that because of you not knowing, you are destined to fail. You will make a mistake and chose the wrong subjects. Scared that you will be judged by your relatives, tutors and friends. Feel you aren’t putting in enough effort. You are not being judged, if you need the help, ask. That’s what friends, relatives and tutors are there for.
But still everything I’m saying isn’t enough, you are still sat in that tree. With your gown’s cord tied around your neck, the other end tied to a branch, all you have to do is lean forwards. And you did.
I don’t know what happened next, either the knot I tied was shitty or the branch broke. I just remember being on the floor still with the one end tied around my neck. I tugged it off and threw it into the nearby ditch and ran home.
Now I realise, that everything did get better, and then it got bad again and then better again. That’s just what life is, but it’s the good bits that make it worth living. I sit here now, with the same worry of friends, worry if I’ll ever get my dream job, if I do disappoint people. But it doesn’t effect me how it used to. I think of the memories I could of missed, all of the people I know now I would never have the pleasure of knowing.
It wasn’t until five years after this I finally talked to someone. After what happened I rarely wore cords on dressing gowns as they reminded me. Often I threw them away. Getting asked by my parents why I lost them so often was difficult.
Once I finally talked to someone about it, I disappeared from the internet for awhile. When I came back, I briefly talked about depression and encouraged people to talk about it. Now again I encourage you talk about it.
This is the first time I’ve ever actually “said” what happened to anyone. I’ve tried before, but thinking about and talking at the same time isn’t something I could do. But those I talked to got the idea. They didn't need to know the details. They helped me. And the people you talk can help you too.
Don’t get to the point I got to, you might not be lucky with what happens next. Thank you for the amazing support I've received from not just friends and family, but from this community. I appreciate it every single day.