Last week I posted that I hit my 6 Month HRT anniversary! This was also the first time I told anyone, aside from my partner and some close friends, that I had even been on HRT.
Amidst the last 6 months I've been thinking a lot about life, who I am, who I was, and my fight with constant depression. Some of this I've already posted on twitter, but I'm taking some time to add a bit more to it, while also integrating something else I recently talked about too.
I spend a good deal of time feeling down on myself about things I can't change. I feel most people do that too. I worry so much that sometimes it can be incredibly debilitating and stop me from being able to function properly.
Thinking so much about something we did/didn't do, something we said/didn't say...I spend a lot of time being down on myself with regret and thinking about any hurt I may have caused, to others, to myself, etc. Of course, knowing what I know now, there are so many things I'd do differently.
Its an assumption but I feel like most people have these thoughts. Thinking the hurt they feel now is because of who they were before or what they did long ago. It can become a crippling depression and make things so much worse.
Now, I think what is most important is what you do now, what you learned, and doing your best to be a better person. Living life thinking "I wish I didn't say/do that" or "I wish I did say/do this" does more harm than good.
If you are being a better person now, that's what matters most. We all wish we could have been better, so let's all be better now.
I feel it's important for me to say I'm sorry for my mistakes and I forgive you for yours, the past is gone, we are who we are now and nothing less.
With the constant negative thoughts, I look at everything I've done, been through, said, and experienced and it sometimes sends me spiraling.
I take a look at my professional career and wonder if things will work out, and over a decade of work later I still feel I’ve made no progress and continue to struggle to find any proper “place”.
Even day to day issues can easily be just as overwhelming as larger problems and often get me stopped in my tracks for longer than they should and the constant struggle I’ve had to deal with concerning my gender identity has been something that caused me no end of discomfort and heartbreak.
After coming out as trans, I saw so many people who once supported me on the sidelines suddenly abandon and ridicule me. I got, and still get, daily messages of hate. Some more mild, refusing to use proper pronouns because I’m “not a real woman”. Some filled with rage saying I should “kill myself” and refusing to see me as anything other than a freak who should be “dealt with”. Honestly, part of me feels like all those hurtful and mean messages, I deserve them for one reason or another.
Being bullied or abused isn't restricted to one certain type of experience, and because of this, you may become someone you didn't want to be. Acting in ways you don't agree with, taking your aggression and frustrations out in unhealthy ways, both towards others and yourself. Words hurt just as much as physical pain, and in some cases can be even more harmful.
Life is a struggle for everyone, sometimes it gets easier, and sometimes it seems impossible to fix. Often times my experiences have left me with life and my goals feeling more towards “impossible”, with the constant whispers to give up and stop trying ringing in my ears. And these experiences arn’t limited to my struggles towards coming out.
Those feelings did become more prevalent ever since I came out publicly. My work, less important. My opinions, less valid. My existence, null and void. The world, and my options in life, became smaller and things and opportunities that were “available” to me became completely inaccessible. However, I've had a constant struggle with being accepted by others, family, friends, etc, to the point of almost losing myself and who I was and who I desperately wanted to grow up to become.
So far, 2017 has been one of the most difficult times in my life, which is saying something. But one major good thing happened.
On March 4th, 2017, I took my first steps towards transitioning. Now I’m officially 6 months in on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and I’m slowly feeling less at odds with myself.
So with this major step forward, I’m going to keep trying, I’ll keep working hard, and I’ll continue to do my best to find my place. Be it professional, in day to day life, with new ventures, or as I continue my journey towards transitioning, I hope I’ll have support from all of you.
Because honestly, without the support of my loving partner, friends, coworkers, fans, and this community that is being slowly built around me, things easily seem impossible.
Thank you for accepting me, thank you to everyone who has been kind to me, dealing with trauma isn't easy, and I'm happier that I've finally been able to process things that happened to me before in healthier ways.