That's right. You should've known this was coming.

My first Zelda game was Ocarina of Time. It took me 6 months to beat the Water Temple. (I was like 10 or something). Zelda taught me to not give up, because eventually you'll yell at your character so much for being an absolutely asshole for doing not what you want him to do that you'll transcend into a world where "Hey Listen!" and "Doo doo doo, doo doo doo (lost woods song)" is the anthem of hell.


(FTW: I'm playing the game in Japanese, not sure how this will translate.)


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-Link literally woke up with no clothes on and in a strange cave. He was totally cool with it though.

-I’m hearing Zelda. Betcha I have to save her.

-Is it called a “Seeker Stone” in English too? I will periodically be asking questions to people who have played this game.

-Link can motherfucking jump now. This is causing some major problems with my muscle memory of AUTOMATIC JUMPING EVERY OTHER GAME.


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-I can’t roll. This is blasphemy.

-Found clothes. Did I put the shirt on? No. Did I put the pants on? I did, but I thought long and hard about that one… how old is Link again?

-This game is hilarious. Not only is Nintendo like “Oh you’re a Zelda fan huh? Then fucking figure this shit out on your own.” But they want you to have NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON.

-TREES! ANIMALS! RUN UNTIL YOUR LEGS FALL OFF!

-Realizing the switch controller has a sensor in it as well as a joystick has been very confusing when firing arrows… or any other magnet bomb ice thingy

-Weapons can break... This is triggering for me with the trauma the Biggoron sword created in Ocarina of Time.

-Link can literally climb anything.

-Didn’t think Link could be a slower climber than in Twilight Princess. Boy was I fucking wrong.

-Link can eat weird things for health.

-Lotta Eye of Truth going on here. Should I be expecting humping zombies?

-I’ve played the game for about 3 hours. I have been lost 90% of the time so far. Have a good feeling this will not change. Spoiler Alert: It has not changed.

-Hand gliding is sooooo fun….. until you fall and die.

-Falling from high places will kill you.

-Not jumping will kill you.

-Standing too close to your own bomb will kill you.

-Cold will kill you.

-Not climbing to your destination fast enough will kill you.

-Not climbing to your destination fast enough because of rain will kill you.

-Freezing water will kill you.

-Statues that are not statues will kill you. Like LAZER in your FACE.

-Rocks will kill you. Bitches don’t love rocks anymore.

-Water blobs can kill you.

-Magical floating magician men will rain hell fire and really kill.

-Just listing off all the things I’ve died by ALREADY. This is easily the most times I’ve died in the beginning of a Zelda game ever… and most of them aren’t even from enemies!

-But big monsters with giant weapons will definitely kill you too.

-Basically anything and everything will some how kill you.

-Magnet fun has me carrying around blocks as weapons. Not sure if genius or lazy.

-Learned the hard way I have limited amount of ICE blocks available.

-Apparently stopping time on a rock and then hitting it like a maniac and then starting time up again… will cause it to rocket outta there? Lol physics.

-Former Links usually don’t ask many questions, but this Link is pretty sassy. He even takes selfies.

-Daddy King Old Annoying Man who keeps bothering me is now telling me to save his daughter. Of course her name is Zelda and she’s a Princess.

-When I cook in real life if Link’s cooking song could play while I do it, I’d be sooooo happy.

-Damn Impa you old.

-Glad to see Kakariko got an upgrade. I just knew someone would ask me to fetch their Cuccos for them though.

-LIGHTNING IS SCARY AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

-Running with a torch and it decides to rain is a big fuck you to Julie.

-I feel like a kid again as I yell at Link for being so stupid for jumping in water by accident 15 times in a row.

-I’m naming every horse I catch Epona until I get Epona.

-Link's lung capacity is amazing for whistling. 

-Met my first Zora. Then died 15 times trying to leave the area I wasn’t supposed to be in.

-WHERE AM I? I AM SO LOST.

-Went into a shrine and it told me I had to test my strength. Nope’d outta that situation real fast.

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Can’t tell if Link is a stoic legendary hero or an epic troll.