So let's see, where do I start. You know how I keep saying "things ought to calm down next week, though?"
Yeah they still aren't doing that. My life is constant and perpetual chaos. So I'm really just re-contextualizing stuff and trying to make sense of it all. So I'm going to try and catch everyone up since it's been a few weeks and this is also the place I go for vulnerable human shit.
First off, the fitness thing. Yes, it's still on-track. I've gained back up to 180 but my bodyfat is way lower than last time I was this heavy, so things are going exactly the way I wanted them to. It's just that since this is a slower burn than my two-month shred before RTX. I'll still check in with it at milestones, but I'll try to think of something else to post about on a weekly basis.
Speaking of weekly, I'm still working six days a week. It's a bit rough, to be honest. I only get one day to decompress and recover each week and it's not always enough. Managing a small business is hard work, especially if management is very customer-facing and you're a super introvert. It's actually why I'm so behind on all the shows I like since not only do I work those six days but I leave my place at about 8AM and get home typically at 8 or 9PM still.
My sleep isn't great. I'm sleeping a decent amount but between stress and timing (like you saw above, I can't really decompress and do stuff if I want to get eight hours AND be at work on time) I'm not getting deep enough sleep to mentally restore myself so I'm running on fumes pretty much constantly. There's probably tricks about this, I just need to figure my shit out.
Speaking of figuring shit out, I'm very torn right now. I have a few things keeping me in Boston right now, obligations I refuse to shirk because I refuse to be that person ever again, but what I want more than anything is to move back to Austin permanently. I'll have to think hard on that one, but I've had a few too many occasions where I just leave when shit gets hard so I want to make sure that this time I face my problems head-on and face my own destructive tendencies, hopefully coming out of it as a stronger, better person.
Speaking of being stronger, it takes admitting you have a problem to fix it, and there's solid proof of that in my life now. As I've mentioned on other social media, while I don't think I have out-and-out Depression I do get very effected by the seasons and Boston is changing to Fall fast. This can and had led to severe depressive episodes that range in severity from general malaise to suicidal thoughts, and the state of the world hasn't helped. You know what has helped? Admitting that to friends so they can try to help me through it. And my friends have helped, immensely. I haven't managed to go through what we determined completely yet, but I'm trying.
The main thing we figured out is I need to go "back to what makes me happy." And one of those big ones is writing. Between moving back to Boston, getting my current job, that job exploding and all that mayhem writing sort of fell off and it was a huge part of my identity and a highlight of my day. So the goal in the near future - as soon as possible, actually - is to write a page of something, ideally fiction but this works too, before going on Facebook or Twitter for the day. In theory, this is a good plan. In practice, I sometimes have downtime at work where I check the stuff. I'm trying to get used to writing on a phone but that's a bit difficult. Still working on it.
One piece of advice my friends gave me that kind of speaks to a fundamental break in my way of viewing the world and theirs was that they suggested I get on Tinder. For anyone else, their logic would be 100% sound - get out, meet more people who aren't part of my usual circle, maybe have some nice dates too. The thing is, my problem is A: I'm out too much and don't have enough time to decompress as-is, B: My usual circle is already big enough, maybe a little too big and C: I actively want NOT to date. It's just another social responsibility to me, to be honest, and honestly a relationship sounds horrifying to me - coming home to someone instead of silence? No thanks. So as much as I appreciated that advice, that's one I'm gonna have to pass.
This last one is the hardest to talk about if only because it's the one I understand the least, and that's the aspect of Spirituality in my life. I've had some peaks and valleys in terms of my religious worldview, from full-bore Catholic to recently clawing my way out of full Nihilism, but either way the world at large has definitely tainted religion for me. Between Christianity in America (albeit an abberant form of it) being a constant stream of hate and my... less than ideal leaving of Zen years ago, both west and east aren't for me. But there is a difference between religion and spirituality - whether you believe in a soul or a continuation after death or some kind of God, you can be a spiritual person. Hell, some of the least spiritual people in the world are the most vocally religious. That may be the trick for me, I think I conflated the two too much and, to my detriment, pushed both aspects away and let my spirit weaken and wane even when I was strengthening my body and mind. Today I read an article from the Harvard Medical Journal that said actual research has been done that suggests meditation has benefits not only for anxiety but for people with anxiety disorders, and that's why I'm thinking about this. I am going to get back into meditation, even if my relationship with Zen the religion ended in calamity meditation as a mental and spiritual practice does not HAVE to be conflated with it. Just like believing in Jesus doesn't HAVE to be conflated with a bible-thumping homophobe. Sure, it's related. And we have to face that it's related just like we have to face our flaws as individual humans. But it doesn't have to be what defines it.
I don't know what I believe. I don't know if there's a God or not, or if there is whether He/She/They are on our side - or whether we, ourselves are the gods after all. But I can strengthen my spirit to face the truth, whatever that may be.
Someday I want to do a dedicated post on spirituality and religion and my full, uncensored history with it (some of you have heard it in person but it doesn't exist in any public written space), but that'll have to do for now.
Okay guys, I'm tuckered out. But it feels good to say all this, have it in the open and get my thoughts in order. Peace out.